The chapter I'm reading gives various thoughts and strategies for coping with control issues and letting the hurt child give up some control so they can become more attached to their parents.
I like this exerpt:
"If you can't make the child change his behavior, make his behavior what you want. Sound confusing? It's not. If your child is having a temper tantrum, telling him to stop is pointless. Instead, say something like, 'Oh, a tantrum. I think I'll get some iced tea and make myself comfortable while I watch.' Or, if you're feeling particularly brave, say something like, 'You can do better than that, can't you? I'll bet you can scream loud.'
"If the tantrum continues, it seems like compliance. The child now has two choices--to stop or to keep going and do what you want.
"One family, inspired by the Olympics, had cards printed with the numbers 1 to 5 on them. When their child's tantrum started, everyone in the family held up a card to judge it. The rest of the family had fun, and the power of the tantrum was decreased."
This example sounds like something obnoxious I would have done to my siblings when I was a kid, but I can see a lot of wisdom in using it with children who have trouble trusting and attaching to adults.
It's a great book with lots of insight. After this, I'll have to read "Parenting with Love and Logic" as recommended by so many (including siblings, Emily, this book I'm reading now, and the Foster/Adoption agency we're working with). Too bad they don't have a Kindle edition for me to read on my iPod or laptop (or Emily's Kindle!)
3 comments:
I don't agree with this. I used to do that sort of thing when Erik would get mad (I'm not kidding) and it make him angrier. I've noticed Luke doing the same thing. It's almost like I'm teasing him and no one likes that. I'm not sure what the answer is. I'm currently reading, "The Explosive Child" so we'll see if that offers anything better.
It would all depend on execution. The chapter discussed various ways that formerly hurt/abused/neglected children try to manipulate their adoptive/foster parents. He's not advocating we be obnoxious to our kids, but we need to be aware of when they're just being manipulative vs. sincerely angry.
Good point, Christian. We had some friends over for dinner and we actually discussed this tactic with them. I like what you mean about kids being manipulative.
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