Damsels in Distress

A little while ago, we got talking about Damsels in Distress and how common of a theme it is in books, movies, stories, everything.

Sounds like your basic D.I.D.: Damsel in Distress

Strong women and feminists look down on the trope as a bad thing. Now, just because something is a "trope," isn't bad in itself, though it has a negative connotation to some.

Some see DID's as a sign of a week woman. A submissive female, subject to powers outside of her control, waiting for a rescue, often by a prince or knight, or hero.

I'm beginning to see it as a typical gender-thing. My wife has a number of youth and young-adult based novels in our bookshelf, almost all written by women. Stories focused on a girl or young woman in a predicament (because, what good would a story be without a predicament?). As I looked through some of these books and their summaries, many of these predicaments were internal as well as external. "How can she confront the memories of her past, while she looks to the future?"

Whether the girl rescues herself or is rescued by others, changes from story to story, but the theme is the same, in that the girl has to find her own way out of the problem, though she may have help from others. This may be a new artifact of our current culture and society. Disney doesn't seem to like adding to this theme, as I described in my last post. Disney likes it when girls manage to fix everyone else but themselves. Many of my wife's favorite books are based on girls who learn to make themselves better.

Challenge that with typical (Yes, I'm going for BIG generalizations, here) stories about boys or men. Often, there's the Hero's Quest, a task, calling, assignment, or challenge that pulls the boy out of his comfort zone, into a series of adventures, the formation of new friendships and bonds, and eventually a team, brotherhood, or army, that conquers the challenge. He often becomes a "Man" in the process.

The Hero's Journey theme can be equally applied to boys and girls, but more often it gets applied to males. At least externally, like I said earlier. Girls' quests often have a lot of internalizing that is done. Internal battles and struggles.

This fits with some of our basic gender issues. Girls like to describe their problems, boys like to fix them. Watch this for a solid summary of this issue. "It's not about the nail, stop trying to fix the nail."

By nature, it seems, many women WANT to be the damsel in distress, or, they like being the DID. They don't always want to be rescued by someone, or for their problem to be "fixed" by someone else. They want to fix it themselves, but it seems, they LIKE being in distress. If they're not in actual distress, many women find something to complain about so that they can be in distress. What was once a knight in shining armor, becomes a lazy-dead-beat husband who can't seem to do anything right. (So what's he do? He checks out of the relationship, even if he's present, he's on his own planet).

There's a good reason Pride and Prejudice's Mr. Bennet spends all day in his library, by himself.

It's romantic to be rescued and swept off your feet, to have someone else do all the dirty work for you, but it gets demeaning when you can't take care of yourself. Or, it is for some women. Other women LOVE to be doted on and spoiled, never having to lift a finger of labor. Who doesn't love a spa-day? Or at least the idea of it?

I'm in distress from this stress, rescue me

Even Women's Marches. Y'know, the kind where women march in solidarity to express their strength, and their fight against oppression? Damsels in Distress. "We have it hard, and we want you to know about it! But we are going to solve this ourselves! Because we are strong! So pay attention to us and do what we tell you! Because our life stinks!" (Compare that with the statistics that show that men are more likely, in this country, to suffer from violent crime, more likely to get injured on the job, more likely to lose child custody, about as equally likely to suffer sexual abuse, get more severe punishments for crimes committed, more likely to commit suicide, don't actually get paid more for the same experience and same job, etc, etc.)

The natural reaction from men, is to find some way to "fix it" for them. That's our programming. Whether it be the government, the community, or our family, when we know women are in trouble, we come to the rescue! It's as natural as it is for women to be "in trouble". Some women truly are in danger, some women are just always going to be disgruntled and unhappy in their situation. And men will often rise to the occasion and try to fix whatever is bothering or endangering whatever it is that is threatening the women in our life.

And so we do. I asked my wife the other day what makes a good husband, as opposed to simply a room-mate, or even a provider (like any benefactor could be). Her answer right away, "Well, I guess friend and roommate and provider could all be done by others, but I guess, Protector is something special and unique about a Husband. And someone to share life's experiences with."

Here's a solid attempt at a multi-faithed group from India, out to protect women. It has the message, "Protecting women is Religion."

So what do we do when women don't want or don't need protecting? How do we know if women want the help or not? I don't know. Sometimes, women just need to vent and work through their own problem. Sometimes they are in danger and truly need help. What if someone offers help? Can too much help, too often, be obnoxious? Of course. 

Like all things, there's no simple answer for when a woman should want rescuing, or just needs to learn to work through her own troubles, nor is there an easy answer about when others should be able to give help. To be safe, help should ALWAYS be offered when something bad is recognized, and those offers should ALWAYS be appreciated, but neither should be upset if the help is offered, or refused. And coming from a guy, there's nothing wrong with being a Damsel in Distress. Nothing fulfills my manhood better than helping my wife and daughters with some problem they can't solve on their own. In fact, I live for those moments (and once in a while when things are too quiet, we need to stir up the trouble and become the dastardly villain, just so we have someone to rescue :-)

Do men need rescuing? Of course. And we all get a good laugh or smirk whenever we see roles being reversed and the man being rescued by the woman. It's all in good fun, and yes, Men do often need to be rescued by women. Sometimes, too often.

Basic Dude in Distress from Disney's Enchanted