Why I Stay

Over the past few years I've seen a lot of public declarations from people who've left the LDS church. I wanted to make my own public declaration.

Somewhere around April 6, 2002 I had an experience that changed my life. It only lasted a few moments, though I wish it could have lasted longer. And there was a message that came with it.

Let me back up a bit. I was raised in a devout LDS/Mormon home, the fifth child of nine. My father owns a local health food grocery store in coastal southern California. Right there is a clash of cultures that was the norm for me, yet I never felt any tension that's not felt by just about anyone growing up in any faith-oriented home. I was expected and encouraged to go to a church-owned school and a church mission. I can't say I felt any undue pressure from those expectations. Those were things I wanted as well. My parents and community did a great job selling me on how wonderful those things would be. And they were right! I was a Deacon's quorum counselor and president, a Teachers quorum counselor and president, and an assistant in the Priest's quorum. My dad was a Bishop of our congregation while I was a teenager. While those sound like admirable traits and callings, I can't say there was anything overtly extra spiritual about holding those positions of responsibility. Maybe it put pressure on me to set a good example for my peers, but having influence over other males my age is not something I was ever good at, then or now. What I probably was, from my foggy memory, was self-righteous. Maybe, maybe not. The other guys will have to tell me.

Our family vacations had campfires loaded with religious campfire stories and even mini-services on Sundays when appropriate where we took the time to keep the Sabbath day as best we could in the woods and mountains of the high sierras of California. Some of these I still remember as extremely "spiritual" and notably emotional. We had Family Home Evening most weeks, and we had family prayers and "Scripture Time" most mornings.

My paternal grandparents were converts to the church and modern day pioneer immigrants to the USA from Denmark. My maternal grandparents have pioneer family lines associated with Joseph Smith and handcart treks across the plains to the Salt Lake Valley. The stories about how admirable and brave and courageous my descendants were are plentiful.

I attended an EFY camp at BYU and had a number of "spiritual/emotional" experiences there. I remember telling my mom as a kid that I could feel the "spirit" during some of our church hymns. I remember praying to know if the Book of Mormon was true and having "good feelings" while doing so. These are the kinds of things I leaned on for my "testimony" as a kid and teenager and young adult. They were how I "knew" that how I was living my life was good.

As a missionary in British Columbia, Canada I was exposed to more sex, nudity, drugs, infidelity, substance abuse, sex-addiction, and prositution in two years than I'd ever been exposed to in my previous life put together. I had never been offered drugs by anyone at school as a kid or teenager. Everyone around me knew I wouldn't take it. I often joked that I had never been offered drugs or sex until I became a missionary.

One assignment we got from a local Public Relations missionary for the local area, was to scout out the local library for any books about our church, whether they were favorable or not, make sure fictional books were listed in the fiction sections, and make sure that books published by our church were included in the library's collection. I ended up reading things I wished I'd never read, overtly sexual things written by someone who had found themselves in a terrible relationship and blamed the church for it, others who'd found intellectual reasons to leave the church, and still others with attacks on our temples and ceremonies that I couldn't refute since I didn't have access to a temple as a missionary and had only attended a few times before I left.

Yet, I tried not to let those things get to me, so I didn't, mostly. I didn't have a whole story so I didn't have to make up my mind at the time anyway. I'd been exposed to plenty of anti-Mormon stuff as a teenager anyway and most of it had no substance, or was unfounded, or was laced with half-truths (did you know that Joseph Smith renounced the Book of Mormon on his death bed? It took me an hour to realize and remember that Joseph Smith didn't die on a death bed. I'm not the fastest thinker in the world). I was exposed to this all the more as a missionary by well-meaning but mis-informed Born Again Christians and Jehovah's Witnesses, or self-proclaimed Intellectuals. Interestingly, it was the Wiccans and self-proclaimed "Pagans" of British Columbia that could carry on the best conversations and heartfelt discussions about spirituality and the peaceful feelings our church associates with the Holy Ghost.

 I once took an article given to me by a Jehovah's Witness as he challenged me to make any corrections to the article and return so we could discuss it with him and inform him of how his religion's publication was wrong. I highlighted every statement that was untrue or partially untrue and by the time I finished the article, between a third and half of the article was highlighted bright yellow. There were just too many things to even address a part of them, and all intermingled with things that were true. A single sentence could switch from true, to false, to true again. I don't mean to attack any other faiths, there is goodness and value to almost all of them and most of the people in them are trying their best to live what they know of God's laws and teachings from their understanding. I was and am the same. But it taught me that trying to pull untruths and truths apart from each other is like trying to pull ingredients back out of soup. Sometimes it's best just to throw it away and start with fresh ingredients, though most people don't want you throwing away their soup. They like their soup because it is theirs and it tastes better than uncooked raw fresh vegetables.

Fast forward a few years. I was going through a divorce that was partly caused by my own mistakes and misdeeds and transgressions. I had spent my entire life and made every choice I could possibly make trying to build an "Eternal Family" the way I was taught, and almost overnight the whole thing came crashing to the ground incredibly fast, unexpectedly, and completely beyond anything I could do. I found myself leaning on a Savior who wasn't physically there, but who I could "feel" in my moments of greatest sadness and loneliness. I came to feel closer to Him than I'd ever known before or than I'd ever felt possible. It *almost* made the whole experience worth going through just to feel the comfort of a forgiving and endlessly loving Savior.

Then a few years later, a bolus of controversy starts surrounding the church regarding it's policies about women, homosexuals, and it's history. I wasn't too emotionally involved in these battles but would engage with others online when I felt the church was being unfairly attacked. There was a lot that was brought up that wasn't new to me (or to the church) and there was some that was new, but had the same flavor as the article given to me by the JW. Many friends and family members left the church over these things and more still leave and are quick and eager to try out those experiences that the church discourages. But the great most of my friends and family in the church have stayed.

It's easy to see the negative and put all of our attention on it, even if it doesn't constitute a majority by any means. When a pond is still and silent and a leaf falls onto the surface and spreads ripples that spread across the water, overall, the pond is still and calm, in fact it's the stillness and calm that makes such small ripples so noticeable. I'm not saying "all is well in Zion," ask any Bishop or Stake President and they will know numerous families and individuals in their congregations struggling, severely, in multitudinous ways, who try to look put-together in public. And they could tell you of the countless more who stop coming to church because of other personal storms.

And our leaders are just regular people, too, with their own problems and shortcomings. I used to think that quitting church because of a leader was so dumb, until I felt the same way. I've been remarried for several years now and we have two wonderful girls. We live not far from my older children and I'm keeping a relationship with them as best as possible despite the very difficult career circumstances it places on me and the severe limit it places on earning and prospering in my professional career. When my new wife and I got engaged, my ex-wife (who'd openly left the church and was preventing our children from becoming members of it) had told my Bishop and Stake President a number of angry half-truths about me that made both of them uncomfortable with approving our application for a temple sealing despite numerous meetings to assuage and even prove my worthiness. We were told we would have to wait for the Sealing Ceremony until things calmed down between my ex-wife and me, while being assured that a former spouse cannot hold-up the process of being sealed to a new spouse.

When we moved to another state, the pattern followed and rather than getting to meet my new Bishop and Stake President as strangers, a primacy-effect had already beat me and I was being called into their offices to defend myself from false accusations as a first introduction. Six months later we moved again because of a change in jobs, this time to Utah to be near my kids, jobless, homeless, my wife pregnant, we were broke, and had only a few extended family members in the region (who were extremely helpful and generous). We managed to get to our bishop first this time and he was ready to approve of our Sealing application but the congregation got divided and re-organized because of rapid growth in the neighborhoods before he could complete the process. The new bishop and stake president were approached by ex-in-laws before we met them. After months of meetings, we managed to convince our new bishop of our worthiness to be sealed and then the ward was divided again and a new bishop assigned. We had to start over, again. Even after we won this bishop to our side, the Stake President refused. For whatever reason he seemed to give more weight to my ex-wife's story over our own far longer than I felt he should, despite proof of our story's validity. We followed every bit of his counsel and advice and direction he gave and still each time our requests send in our application were denied. He gave us reasons and justification for doing so but none of them felt real. In the end, he just "wasn't comfortable" with it. All of our years of prayers and fasting for a righteous desire were not working.

My anger at the situation boiled. I wanted to vent and yell at our Stake President. I wanted to quote his own Handbook to him to convince him that he was doing his job wrong. Here we were doing our absolute best to live the gospel and it's commandments, to have an extremely simple but very important ceremony performed for us. A ceremony that is usually a default for most LDS couples in the U.S.A. getting married, who hardly have to give it a second thought. And here we couldn't have it no matter how hard we tried, for years. I felt my faith end. Completely. My faith in my church leaders was gone. I was free to choose my own way. To live the kind of life I wanted to live. No pressure now. It was scary and exhilarating. I could do what I wanted with no guilt. My life was mine to choose without restraint. I was Free.

So what was I going to do? I was going to think about it, and decide. Were social pressures enough to keep me going? Nope. Were family pressures? No. What about all those other spiritual experiences and good memories associated with church activity? Not important enough anymore. But there was that one memory....

It was that early April morning in 2002 that I mentioned at the beginning. While reading the Book of Mormon as a missionary, marking and underlining any and all references to a Savior in the same way I'd been doing during my prescribed morning study for the past several months, a feeling engulfed me that I'd never felt before. Separate from my body, I felt my soul become engulfed in a blue fire (I don't know why blue, but that's what it felt like) and my soul lit up in what I can only describe as PURE JOY. A taste of a Celestial Heaven. Visibly and audibly, nothing was happening to me, I was just sitting at a desk in a dim apartment near the water's edge in Campbell River, BC, reading a comparatively boring book of scripture that I didn't even understand all that well, but something inside me was ablaze like an Angel of Glory. Not like the other spiritual experiences I'd ever had, and not like any other rush of endorphins or dopamine I'd ever felt from other exhilarating or emotional experiences. Not even like the niacin flushes I'd had from taking vitamin supplements. This was something completely different. It was more REAL to me than anything has ever felt real before. It became my new standard for reality. As if everything I've ever seen, felt, and experienced before in this life on Earth was really more like a fuzzy, hazy, dream compared to what I "seeing" and "feeling" then. And there was a message that came with the feeling. No words were spoken, but they were seared on me somewhere inside; indelible and every bit as REAL as the joy I was already feeling: 1. Jesus Christ is the Savior of the World, and 2. the Book of Mormon is True. Unmistakably, this was the message of the experience. Like my soul had just been branded in the same way cattle are branded with the mark of their owner. Unavoidably, I KNOW these two truths and all I have to do is look inside myself and see those two facts there, permanently.

I've read a lot of psychology, I've studied physiology and anatomy and neuroscience. These are the kinds of things I do when I'm bored. I understand the power and effects of hormones, substances, and neurology. What I felt and experienced does not mesh with any other known occurrence or effect I've ever come across, except for similar experiences shared by other religious peoples, and it's not even very common there. And more often, when people have a spiritual experience, there's no message attached to it except for a general feeling that what they are doing is "good" or "right".

Since then, I have also been branded with the truth that what I know to be the Priesthood -used by our church as an authorized form of the power of God to act in His name- is a real power and force of the universe similar to Gravity, similar to the Nuclear forces and Electromagnetic force. I don't have much control over it but I am an instrument for it's application and use in this world.

When I felt my faith in everything end and I had come to that fork in the road, to act in any way that I felt was right for me, I had to address this experience and how it would apply to my life. Was I going to live in a cognitive dissonance for a while, fighting off and pushing down that burning memory, or was I going to embrace it for what it was and live up to what I'd preached to so many people before? The Gospel and the Church are true, I could not deny it. The people who run it are still just people, at all levels. There is no doctrine of infallibility in the LDS church, but there is a promise that God will not let the head Prophet and President of the church lead the church astray. That is a subtle but important distinction. Countless authors, apologists, and academics spend their time and energy trying to prove and convince others of the falsity or veracity of the LDS church. While I don't enjoy contention and fighting and debate, we need to stand up for right when we can, or, when it's appropriate. So, while some are out there attacking the church, others will contend with them in it's defense. That these debates exist is not proof of anything except that there are passionate and educated people on both sides. As my Molecular Biology professor would repeat often, "Show me the Data!" Don't trust commentary from anyone that has to fill in gaps. Look at the original sources in an accurate context, acknowledge the gaps in the data and draw your own conclusion. (and there are a LOT of gaps, holy cow. Just because I find a long-missing lego piece doesn't mean I know what the original model looked like, or just because I can't find any of the unique lego pieces for a specific model among jumbled tubs of legos doesn't mean it wasn't ever there)

Some will claim that some large mistake or poor policy disqualifies a person for being a prophet or the church from being God's. To that I'll ask: What does qualify a person for being prophet or a church from being God's and who are you to decide it was a mistake? The qualifications are this: Nothing other than being assigned the task by an all-knowing and all-powerful, and all-loving God. I've heard a lot of people claim that God's prophet or God's church would never do such-and-such thing. How do you know what God's prophet or church should or should not do? Are you God and why is your standard the one that God's church/prophet should meet?

I watched a lecture on psychology recently and the speaker promoted the idea that to keep an open mind and find truth, one MUST look at opposing views and consider them equally. I will have to disagree with the "consider them equally" part. If I give equal weight to a lie as I do to a truth, I will end up uncertain and have just as much chance of making a poor choice as a good one. Often, when there are two opposing views about facts of the universe, they are either both partially right AND partially wrong, or one of them is right and the other is wrong. We must consider that possibility, that there can be a right and a wrong, that a voice of opposition might be false, perhaps by accident or ignorance, or perhaps by malicious intent. If I'm presented a story from a stranger about my best friend's guilt, who should I believe? Years of personal experience, or some new guy? If I let someone taint my white paint with a bit of black, it might turn grey, but not because my white wasn't originally white. I get to be the guardian of my own "paint," my own beliefs and knowledge. I can decide for myself if I will accept a proposition or new fact as believable and whether I will include it into my palette as an acceptable addition. If I'm not careful, I'll end up with a muddy brown mess that doesn't hold any of the colors I originally wanted.

What about crazy miracle stories with all sorts of weird cultural oddities? Does every story in our scriptures make sense with all we know? Of course not. These were stories and histories and experiences written by people who only had the perspective and culture they were stuck with, and often written and re-written in such brief detail and description that MOST of what we imagine these stories to convey is really our own imagination filling in the gaps. Or they were told in such a way that we, from our perspective, cannot fully understand them. If there is a God who can influence the elements of the universe into creation, can he not perform feats we cannot understand?

It's only been three hundred years since we learned what electricity is, though it's been there all along. Only a hundred since we understood the structure of the atom and those bits of knowledge have changed the world in the very recent past and are still changing it drastically. Let's not let our current knowledge convince us that we've learned it all or discovered it all. We are not even close. We just barely and finally saw what the surface of Pluto looks like though we've known it was there for 80 years! We have to take into account the perspective, knowledge, and education of the authors of the scriptures and just understand that we weren't there witnessing it. Much like Joshua turning the sun back -instead of, more likely, the earth turning back, or, some other phenomenon that was convincing enough to the people of the time- perspective is *almost* everything.

The power of God is the ultimate source of the Universe, he can do what he wants when it suits his purpose without disrupting the system, or he can disrupt it as he needs to to accomplish his purpose. Stories representing God's love and involvement with his children make the most sense to the people they happened to. They then become symbolic of our own relationship with God through the telling of the story, whatever the details we have. And just like my College Folklore professor often said, "Just because it's folklore doesn't mean it's not true, or wasn't true when it was first told."

Most often we make choices and choose our beliefs based on the emotions and hormones that are influencing our physiology, rather than intellectually, more often than we really want to admit. It's been studied EXTENSIVELY. Some of us have a really hard time understanding that or admitting that. So we find intellectual reasons to back up our choices. We tell ourselves a convincing story and decide to believe it, and it can happen within milliseconds in an unconscious corner of our mind. Our brain wants an explanation for what we are feeling, and when it finds something acceptable it latches onto it. This helps us feel like we are above our emotions, like we are in control of ourselves, when we are not. I haven't ever met a person who was fully in control of their emotions and knowing what I've learned about Emotional Intelligence and human nature, I am worried for anyone that claims they are.

Emotional experiences keep people in their faith just as much as they keep people out of it. We look for confirmation for what we already believe or what we want to believe. I have to accept this as a possibility when I reflect back on that singular moment as a missionary. The moment that my life has hinged on over and over and over. And yet, when I do, there is that indelible mark left on my spirit that stands out miles beyond every other emotional, spiritual, or religious experience I have ever felt. It doesn't fit in, it doesn't match up. I can't do anything with it because it I didn't put it there and I have no power to move it anywhere else. I have to live with it, but between you and me, I'm really glad it's there because it's been a bigger help in my life than just about everything else, and everything good and enjoyable in my life can be traced to that experience. And my strategy for how I've handled every crisis can be traced back to that moment.

There is not much difference between a person who leaves our church just because they don't like -or are uncomfortable- going compared to another person who finds a cleverly worded narrative about our history from someone they trust. Both are leaving for emotional reasons and an emotional dislike of the organization or lifestyle. The difference is what they build their confidence on: physical, emotional, or intellectual comfort. We will all do well to admit the enormous impact that our emotions and impressions play in our lives, even and especially, when false or misled by our senses and environment, both in and out of the church. Academic evidences that seem to either promote or put down my own faith are fun and interesting and worth noting, but in the end, my own personal experience gets to trump everything else. And I get to grant the same privilege to everyone else. Don't be offended if I share my perspective while you share yours.

You can probably guess which fork in the road I took regarding my life, and hopefully you can understand why. I stay with the church not because of any mortal reasoning, not even because of faith anymore (though I depended on faith for a long time), but instead because of a burning memory and a gift of knowledge that I can't claim I deserved, but feel blessed to have received. I do not feel coerced, or guilted into staying. I had a set of facts and perspectives unique to my life to use in making my decision and I am making it to the best of my ability. I do not feel like my freedom and agency and individuality has been trounced or impeded. Quite the opposite. My freedom has never been greater, nor my individuality more pronounced. I still struggle through the muck of life like everyone else. Like a flag in the storm, I am still pounded and lashed at by wind and rain, but I have a fixture, set and immovable that keeps me displayed whichever way I feel pulled. A foundation that keeps me grounded and upright, no matter how much the earth shakes. As long as my memory and brain remains intact, I will keep acting according to what is in it.

About my church leaders and my feelings toward them: In the Leadership Handbook which the church distributes to certain positions of authority in the church, there are policies and guidelines to be followed as much as possible, but there is always an important caveat that in some situations, the leader is allowed to "follow the spirit" (the Spirit of God, or the Holy Ghost) in making decisions. While this is a hard thing to accept, especially when it goes against what we want, it is a vital doctrine, and crucially important to the belief of an actively involved God that we can go to for answers and help for our unique problems. I knew of this doctrine and policy even before I got angry, but in my anger I wanted to ignore it and put heavier weight on written, concrete policies because they would be in my favor. I didn't want to believe that the leader was following the Spirit, because I felt that the Spirit would want us sealed. Whether or not this leader was following the spirit is not my decision or place to say. How could I know? But what I did know as I made my decision, was that God knew what I was dealing with, and this was still God's church. And my greatest chance for long-term happiness in this life, and a sure and certain chance for happiness in the next, was to stay with it.

In the end, my ex-wife eventually stopped wanting to be involved in our sealing application and it was sent through and approved very quickly. We were sealed earlier this year and it was an AMAZING experience for me and my wife, and for our family, and all who got to attend.

We are here on Earth to learn by experience, by trial and error, by faith and uncertainty, in and out of God's church, Christian or not, religious or not. God has simply designated one organization to hold his Priesthood authority and a sprinkling of people here on this Earth to do specific jobs he wants done, even if we don't understand what our job is, entirely. You all are a part of it, whether you want to be or not. And I am part of it, of my own choosing. Happily.

Why A Lot of the Sermons in the Book of Mormon Didn't Make Sense To Me Until Now

My favorite Book is and has been the Book of Mormon. The stories and adventures in it are incredible and inspiring. And while the stories are the parts that are easiest to understand and retell, it's the sermons that are recorded that are supposed to be the most valuable parts, but other than snippets, and isolated verses, most LDS people who quote from the Book of Mormon have a hard time giving context for the long speeches that someone went through the trouble of recording into writing, and then re-recording them onto metal plates to last through the centuries.

I would sit there and wonder, when Alma and Amulek are getting cross-examined by the lawyers in the city of Ammonihah, do they bring up the Resurrection as evidence of their criminality? And why does Alma respond by talking about the Tree of Life and the Fall of Adam?

Why were Anti-Christs such a problem to the prophets and so successful among the Nephites?

Why was Isaiah so important to the prophets of the Book of Mormon?

Why is it that when prophets are persecuted (like Lehi before he left Jerusalem) is the persecution blamed on their preaching of Christ? I mean, sure, some people don't want religion shoved down their throat, but this was a religious people! Why would they be so offended when a member of their own community preaches about a Messiah? Isn't blaming the persecution on the preaching of Christ, just a bit dramatic, and self-victimizing?

Turns out, it's not. I've been wrong, not the people of the Book of Mormon. I've been reading the book, my whole life, from the context that knowledge of Jesus Christ was a given, an accepted fact of life, as if the Nephites were a "Christian" people. They were not. The PROPHETS who wrote the books in the Book of Mormon were Christians, but for the most part, the people were not, they were "Jewish" or, they lived a very misunderstood, but widely accepted version of the Law of Moses. Very similar to what was believed and accepted by the Jews of 600 BC.

The Law of Moses is a theocratical government of sorts. There's rules about civil law and civil life and rules about religious ceremony and they are intermingled to a large degree. Many of the things we like to criticize about the Law of Moses are misunderstandings on our part. It doesn't preach an "Eye for an Eye" as a religious doctrine, but as a civil one. If someone steals $20 from me, they should pay me $20 back, not $20 PLUS emotional damages. If my neighbor accidentally kills my cow, I should get his cow, not his-cow-plus-damages. Religiously, it preaches forgiveness, and letting go of anger and hatred. There are a great many other things we like to criticize about the Law of Moses compared to our current society and how terrible it would have been to live under, but given the historical context it was given in, it was REVOLUTIONARY and bold in the rights and protections it gave to women and children and criminals and, really, everyone.

Religiously, the Law of Moses gave its people a huge set of ceremonies and practices to be used in the worship of Jehovah. Central to these were the idea of remission of sins, forgiveness of misdeeds, debts, and transgressions, and of the need for a Mediator to bring people back into the presence of God and make everything right between us. The trouble was, and is, these symbolic ceremonies weren't terribly explicit in that they were Prophetic and Symbolic, not just Ritualistic and Superstitious. Moses preached of a Prophet to come (Jesus Christ) but wasn't terribly clear on many details of that Prophet's true mission, at least, not in any of the writings we have from him (but our copies of his writings aren't as old as Moses, they're from hundreds of years later and who knows what may have been intentionally taken out or altered by then).

So the people who lived under the Law of Moses, DIDN'T -for the most part- believe in Christ. Christians today love to look backwards and glory in the symbolic representations of the Savior throughout the law, but hindsight is 20-20. Under the law, preaching of a Savior was treated by most people as a form of Heresy, an unauthorized addition to the law. "God come down and live with us??" "We -as a PEOPLE/SPECIES, not just individually- are fallen and need redemption from Death?", "You're saying we have to rely on a Savior and that all these sacrificial ceremonies and huge efforts we're putting into living our religion won't save us and won't do a thing to help us?"

Yes, sort of. And that's why anyone who preached Jesus among the Jews at the time of Jeremiah, or among the Nephites were misunderstood. When Abinadi is arrested for preaching against the wickedness of King Noah, what do the priests ask him about? His understanding of the Law of Moses. And what is his response? He asks about their understanding of the Law of Moses, and then preaches what the Law of Moses is REALLY about.

The Anti-Christs, what is their beef? They are trying to preach a literal or strict interpretation of the Law of Moses. And Jacob and Alma have to explain the scriptures and what the scriptures REALLY mean. The lawyers in Ammonihah, why are they upset that Alma and Amulek are preaching about the Resurrection? Because it wasn't a real explicit part of the Law of Moses! Remember the Sadducees in the New Testament? They were a group of Jews with their own interpretation of the Law of Moses (much like we have Methodists and Baptists and Presbyterians with their interpretations of the New Testament) and a huge differentiating factor for them was that they refused to acknowledge the doctrine of the Resurrection.

The Zoramites? What had happened to them? They had become elitists, much like the Israelites had, in thinking they were a special people because of their interpretation of the Law of Moses. A major problem among the Israelites (and among the early LDS) was their idea that because they had the "correct" knowledge of God, they were elevated and more important than their neighbors and would look down their noses on those around them. This doesn't win friends.

So, while we recognize the Book of Mormon is a very Christian book, it doesn't make complete sense until we understand who wrote it and to whom. While all groups of the world from all cultures can benefit from it's clear teachings of the Savior, it was written in the context of proving to a people, very similar to the Jews of 600 BC that the Law of Moses and the Old Testament, is very much a Testament of the coming, and more importantly the Need for Savior, a Jehovah Messiah, or Jesus Christ.

And one last thing, why would a 21-year-old farmer with only a basic-life-skills-education like Joseph Smith write a book from that context, when all he knew, everything he had been taught at church, all the turmoil and Great Awakening going on around him in his formative years, was arguing and debating over interpretations of the New Testament, automatically assuming and taking for granted the need for a Savior as a "duh, that's a given"?

I've got a Job for you

Sometimes in the car I listen to "smart stuff", you know, NPR, public radio, jazz, stuff like that. A closet habit I indulge in only when I'm alone.

Tonight, I turned on KUER, the radio station for the University of Utah, and it was an interview of an author who wrote a book about the biblical Job. Now, in all fairness, I didn't catch the whole interview, or even hear who wrote it or what the book was called, but it was obvious that the interviewer was atheistic, while the author was not, though he was very professional and patient with the interviewer, who apparently was trying their best to be profressional. (mispelled on poipose).

One comment kinda got me agitated. It was from the interviewer who commented how the book of Job in the Bible doesn't really make a lot of sense taken in the context of the biblical story, how if you just wait long enough ("the patience of Job" as expressed by James), things get better, while the rest of the biblical story shows that things really, very often, just DON'T get better. Job endured the trials, and got all his riches, wealth, and family back. The author kindly agreed that it doesn't fit very well with all the other biblical stories and continued that thought that the story really doesn't make sense, but it is so comforting to so many people that it will be a story that lives on (the interviewer added, "In our scientific world, perhaps Job's story will live longer than the god the book describes.")

"Shall the axe boast over him who hews with it?"

Sadly, it seems they both missed the boat on the story of Job. Yes, Job was a tremendous example of Faith in God and His Wisdom. Yes, Job was patient, and even from the author's view, proactive in getting through the trial and getting all of his riches and wealth back. Yes, Job's friends and wife were kinda clueless about some things, and Job's confidence in his own righteousness, helped him survive and endure the trial.

Those are all great and wonderful, but I couldn't help but shout at them (in my head. I don't shout to strangers who can't hear me, unless they cut me off or are driving stupidly: another closet habit I indulge in by myself, at times) the point of the Job's trial wasn't just to test him (although it certainly was at that), nor are any of our trials.

A friend once asked, late at night, while contemplating and discussing the universe and the gospel, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" He asked in the context of his younger brother dying in a car accident. My first thought then, and my response to him in that moment, probably deserved a punch to the face, but  I stand by it. "They don't," I said. "Just good things we can't understand yet."

From the ashes of disaster grow the Roses of Success!

God already knows what decisions we'll make, because he knows us. I know if my kids are gonna choose ice cream over oatmeal for breakfast because I know them, not that I've fore-ordained them to any such decision, or am forcing them through an eternally coercive fate, but because I know their tendencies, their thoughts, and pasts, and their interests (actually, my kids would probably choose the oatmeal, especially if it had brown sugar and milk and berries). He's planned accordingly and we will end up where we want to go because of what we ourselves, individually, want.

It's not a tough choice, really

He doesn't NEED to test us for his sake. He tests us for two reasons.

1. So we can see for ourselves what WE really want.
2. Because the test will make us more like Him if we let it.

When we get to the judgement bar of God as resurrected children of a Heavenly Father, we will discuss with him, with our Savior, and with ourselves, what is best for our eternal fate. And we will know for certain where we should go. We will remember everything we've done and if our choices have been consistently selfish, we will wish the rocks could hide us in shame. If our choices have been full of effort and attempts at being "good" (for lack of a better word), we will be able to look the Savior in the face and ask for forgiveness. And he will grant it. This forgiveness will wash us clean and purify us and we will then be able to look our Father in the face and claim that we are ready to return home with him, and He has promised to allow it.

The second item I mentioned reminds me of a time when Jeremiah was commanded to go watch a potter shape his clay and God used it as a metaphor for his children. God wants more than anything to train us, teach us, and prepare us to become Godlike and perfect as he is. It is his work and glory, his focus, his passion. If we don't cooperate, he will keep trying anyway (and as long as we're alive we have a chance, and even after this life, we MAY get some more chances). If the clay isn't forming what it should, the Potter of Potters will lump us back into clay and start again.

I couldn't help but think that Job's trials weren't JUST to test his faith, but that in the trial, something awakened in him, deeper than the anger, grief, depression, despair, and pain he felt. Something Godlike awoke in him that wasn't already there. Even as upright and "perfect" as he'd been before, there was room to grow, and it grew. The fruits of it were evident in his later life as he didn't give up and gained all he'd had AND MORE!! But his spiritual strength he gained by such incredible resistance was commended by the Savior and his Apostles.

If Life hasn't been hard to you in a way that's unique to you, you're doing it wrong. And you're failing because of it. My two bits. There is Joy to be found, but only through struggle, pain, and heartache. He has promised us there will be rest from all of this after this life is over, if we have chosen it. But for now, we must keep exercising our faith, the way a salmon exercises by swimming upstream, or the way a CrossFit fanatic exercises, or the way God chooses our exercises for us.

Christmas time is a good time to reflect

Three years is not very long but a lot happens. Separation and divorce, dating, graduation, moving, unemployment (a few times), moving (a few more times), remarriage (!!!!), a new baby, and a whole lotta being broke, worried, scared, and lots of dead ends.

Every now and then I think about writing on here again but just never felt the need or desire. This is a test post and comes from thoughts I had during church services today. Perhaps a private journal is the better way to go and where I've been keeping some thoughts and goings on, but here you go.

I read scriptures every morning (well, every weekday morning) as part of my routine. The Book of Mormon, New Testament, Doctrine and Covenants, etc. A little while ago I started up the Old Testament. To supplement it, during my breaks when I'm not playing piano for the primary-aged kids during church on Sundays, I read a college-course study manual for the O.T. I'm in Numbers (which really doesn't have a whole lotta numbers in it).

The Israelites had escaped Egypt after the plagues, the crossing of the Red Sea, the burning and shaking of Mt. Sinai, eating miraculous Manna and quail, seeing the glory of God cover the tabernacle and lead the camp as a pillar of fire and cloud, and more. Yet, when commanded to go into Canaan and conquer the wicked nations (who'd had chances to repent and turn to God and rejected him still), the people get scared. So God condemns them to 40 years wandering so a braver, newer generation can move into the land of Canaan, and the Isreaelites say, "Oh wait, we want a second chance, we'll go in and fight them after all." But God says "No" and they say, "We're gonna try anyway" and get stomped. A few miraculously failed attempts at mutiny later (earth opening and swallowing rebels, fire from heaven, etc) and the Israelites are finally ready to eat humble pie.

A thought question in the study manual was, "How does this difficulty maintaining faith in God translate to your life?"

It translates way too easily.

I'd condemned myself to a long life of single-tude after the divorce. Not intending on dating, I still made friends, and made some great ones. She was brave and took several HUGE chances on me. Now we're married and have our own new family.

I was certain that my personal difficulties were gonna prevent me from graduating on time. There were a couple weeks of school I didn't even show up or showed up several hours late. It was the best I could do, I was crushed. I passed all the major exams, met all the requirements, and with the help of great friends, got out on time. Wow.

I did struggle getting long-term stable jobs. And yet, every financial deadline was met, handled, or squeezed through with unexpected gifts, employment, opportunities, or simple little unforseeable miracles that would occur just in the nic of time. And though we're not living the high-life, we're comfortable, and safe, and happy, most of the time. (It's a good thing there are LOTS of free cool-things to do around here, like hikes, and mountains, and hot springs, and half-price days at the local pool, and great friends and family members around.)

I had family that stood by me and supported and encouraged me the whole way.

And yet, when something doesn't go the way I want it to, I still throw internal fits and temper tantrums wondering why aren't things easier?? I pray for hours, why aren't my burdens lighter??

Cuz life is life and it's meant to help us grow. My 6-month-old daughter will spend a good 10 minutes struggling across the room to get at the power cords in the corner, only to have me take her away from them and set her right back where she started. She throws a fit and I think, "OK, God. I get it." Or when she pulls herself up on the side of her bassinet, looking over her room, pleased-as-can-be, and in response we lower the level of sleeping down to crib status for her safety, and I think, "Ok, I get it."

A year ago at Christmas time we were buying dollar-store toys for my kids, asking church leaders for financial help (only to somehow not actually need it when the time arrived), getting anonymous gifts of money and food from neighbors, huge debts looming on the horizon, not knowing just about anybody around except a few extended family members, and wondering what was going to become of us.

Now we have at least some sort of budget for Christmas time, lots of friends, full-time employment, making payments on those debts, and relative peace. We even had the chance to go see a fantastic movie yesterday that was smart, funny, uplifting and encouraging, and very entertaining (yes, it's Frozen, you should go see it), in a movie theater! No mooching off of borrowed Netflix accounts, or bootlegged Youtube videos, or dollar rentals after the rest of the world has stopped talking about the movie. It was a matinee, but still! A real movie in a real movie theater! And we have cell phones that we're paying for! High life! Easy Street! Rolling in the big bucks! No not really, but we're way better off than we were a year ago, at least emotionally.

Hopefully there won't be anymore large set backs for us to overcome for a while, but if there are, we'll take 'em. We're still quite a ways down the hole, but we're climbing. And we attribute all of our hope and progress to God the Father and Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas!

The Unseen Sea

This video captures best one of my two favorite things about living here. (The second is big and painted "International Orange" and I can see it from my window, as long as the stuff in the video below doesn't get in the way)

And this really, really, is worth waiting and watching in HD.

The Unseen Sea from Simon Christen on Vimeo.

This one's also from the same guy and pretty cool too.

Steaming City from Simon Christen on Vimeo.

Lust for Power

Men, as a gender, generally have an obsession with anything that gives us a disproportionate amount of power to the effort we put in. I wiggle my foot a bit and the car goes 0-60 in a few seconds. Woosh. I retract my finger just a bit and BOOM! A gun/bigger gun/or explosive device is launching 50 lb vegetables into the air for everyone's enjoyment. Summary: I invest a few sugar molecules to contract a few muscle cells and I get gobs of power suddenly released at my disposal.

Like that

Leif is currently fascinated with planes, trains, and cars, but especially trains. If he hears the slightest background roar of an airliner overhead he stops whatever he's doing, points up and says something like "Erpane!" He watches Thomas the Train constantly (it drives me crazy, the endless yammering of the narrator and his voices is some of the most obnoxious droning I've ever heard). And he shouts "Caw!" anytime he sees a toy with wheels. At least he doesn't know about guns yet.

Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

The sad thing is that we don't use this disproportionate effort-to-power ration to much productive use. We blow stuff up just purely to see it blow up. We drive fast, just because we can and it's exhilerating. We threaten, lie, steal, cheat, bully, cajole, and belittle, because it increases our perception of the "power" we've gained by it. It gives us something for nothing... or for very little.

Even subtle things: I have music playing a lot and spend lots of time on the computer. It gives me a very large return of entertainment and education for very little effort.

Chicks for free (I can get this on MP3Panda.com for a dollar. Eat that iTunes!)

Sugar and high calorie foods are the same. Kids don't eat Cookie Crisp for breakfast because its part of a complete breakfast. They eat it because it tastes good because the tongue, brain, and body know that it's a disproportionate amount of calories to effort and in a body that was made to deal with scarcity, it will ALWAYS want extra calories when it can easily get them. And extra calories come in two flavors: carbs and oils. Sugars and fat. Especially fructose and saturated fat. Throw some free amino acids and salt in there to trick you into thinking you're eating lots of protein and minerals and you're done for (read: glutamate, MSG, hydrolyzed soy/yeast protein/isolate/whatev) Just a little bit of chewing to buy a lot more time surviving the hostile wilderness of....today's supermarket-fast food-hostess laden society. Disproportionate food to effort.

Men aren't the only ones like this either. Women, generally (of course generally, no one get your feelings hurt now, ok?) shop and shop and shop. Discounts and hyped-up sales to feel like you're taking advantage of the seller. Or talk and talk and talk to gain an edge over social rivals. Novels to stimulate the mind without having to contribute back. Whining, flirting, manipulating to achieve sympathy or gifts.

Now we're just negotiating a price...

Whether or not we exercise our power over others, we like to have the power, just in case we need to. Just in case. I could argue it's for security. Or emergency. If that were the case, noone would ever know our abilities except in emergencies or when called upon. But we're not that kind of a society, so mostly it's to intimidate others so they won't even THINK about trying to take advantage of us or seek power over us. Sometimes it works positively in inspiring others to competition and improvement.

Don't think so? Prove it

Oddly, even giving up all power and strength is a form of power exertion. For some religiously devoted it is a sign of heavenly strength to give everything up and prove our personal righteousness to the world. Like meekness is spiritual wealth we flaunt. We think to ourselves that because we're poor or suffering we are focusing on what's REALLY important, not like those rich people who obviously are not.

Or we convince ourselves that because we gave it up we could have the power at any time but we chose to get rid of it. I'm powerful enough to be submissive. This isn't true. Giving up such ability, strength, wealth, or power only removes our power, thus taking away our choice to be submissive. It's just as foolish to think that giving up our agency gives us more freedom. It's reminiscent of the Orwellian idea: slavery is freedom.

I'm not sure why students are for this sort of thing, but I do recognize this isn't a shirt. It's a rectangle.

The trick is to remain "submissive" (humble, penitent, open-minded, soft-hearted, etc) while hanging onto every bit of strength we have. Christ wasn't giving up a single shred of power to those who crucified him. He had that power at every second they nailed him to the cross. It could have ended at any moment by his desire. He's kinda a unique case. If I were in his place, I would actually be losing all power and freedom and that might not be a wise use of the abilities God gave me.

So, what do we do? What level of strength do we display or flaunt? I have no clue. That's for you to decide, and I'm only gonna complain or get in your way if it's bothering me.

or if you take up 5 parking spots

Inarticulate

Tonight, a worker from Family Builders came to our apartment for a few hours just to meet and visit with us. She asked us a few questions about ourselves and adopting a child through them. I let Emily do most of the talking. Whenever I tried to answer questions I didn't have much to say. I have a habit of being to the point and it often doesn't leave a ton of room for discussion (I blame my Danish heritage entirely). I'll tell my stellar question-answer in a minute, but for now I feel like pontificating, so allow me a few moments.

if you've read many of my posts, be prepared. If you're like most of my readers, keep going, I know you just skim over everything else i write

With most people, conversation dies if I do much talking. Most of the time the other person or people just nod in agreement and give mmm-hmms and say, "yeah, that's right/so true/I never thought of that." It's pretty boring. When I teach Sunday School, I hate talking. I like axing questions and having other people do all of it and steering it by appropriate questions. When I feel like interjecting my thoughts into the lesson, the class stares at me with the look like I just killed an interesting debate and the show is now over, leaving me floundering over something to get them talking again.

I think if I ever wrote a book, it would take me a few decades to write. It'd start out concise enough to fit onto a few pages and I'd have to BS and fill out the rest just to make it interesting.

this would be most of my story

If you know me, personally, you'll know I enjoy a good discussion. Either the mutual working together to solve a problem through conversation, the sharing of new ideas and information that enlightens the participants and/or listeners, the fair and open-minded sharing of opposing ideas to reach a middle ground, or to present an accurate picture of everything that is in play in a sticky situation. I will love you if you disagree with me on the condition that you can back up your disagreement. If I disagree with you, it means I really like you. I never debate with strangers. You could be telling me the earth is flat, but if I don't care about you, I'll keep my mouth shut. If I'm trying to get you to like me, I'll ask questions that make you back up your position and prove your point or make a joke out of the tense situation. If I really like you, I'll share my thoughts as nicely as possible, but bring out the big guns if the situation desperately needs it.

it's sort of complicated, really

I'm not one to get emotional during a debate, but it happens. It's natural. Some have a lower threshold for emotional control than others, that's fine, but I will encourage you to slow down and discuss the topic rationally. I appreciate passion and emotion. It means there's something the brain has worked out that's important to our identity/survival/safety/self-interest even if we can't consciously articulate it. I like helping people figure that out and pull that jumbled massive cloud of firing neurons into an organized, step-wise sentence coming out of the mouth. That's essentially what an emotion is: a brain-wide response to a stimulus of some kind. A smell of a rose can trigger a bajillion memories in the cortex, sending off huge waves of visual, tactile, verbal, auditory sensations linked by other neurons and portions of the brain to huge chunks of life that have promoted our well-being (or injury and hinderment to some) and create an emotional response that result in our hearts fluttering, our skin flushing, and pull grandiose words out of the language center of our brain.

this is what happens when i'm on my bike and a driver doesn't use their blinker to cut me off suddenly

If you asked me why I like my favorite smell, I might just say, "It smells good." But there would be so much going on that formed that opinion. As Emily and I read these adoption books, they strongly emphasize the power of associations and warn of possible negative associations abused and hurt children may have with even simple things. The smell of cookie dough might trigger memories of anger and pain if associated with something traumatic that happened while freshly-baked cookies were in the house and once the reaction is discovered, it would be wise to act appropriately in the future to help resolve or avoid (if necessary) the situation.

cookie dough seems innocent, but it has a dark side no one wants to talk about

I find that these adoption books really contain amazing advice for dealing with everyone, not just hurt-children, and push me into being a better parent to my biological children. I also see a lot of it in the people I talk with at school, my patients, classmates, etc.

yes, i am judging you, don't be surprised. and don't deny you're doing it, too

It's impossible to fight emotion with emotion. Even well-articulated truth gets lost in the angry sea of anothers temper or sadness. Progress is made (ie, people are brought closer together) when both sides act rationally to some degree, and made closer the more rational they become. When emotions can be focused and organized, then the engine of our life can be useful, not just exploding vapors of combustible fuel. If our emotions are the engine, the steering wheel is our rationality. Both are required to move forward in consciously-decided directions.

'nuff said

So, as we get ready for the in-depth and very personal questions that'll be put to us by this worker over the next few homestudy appointments I'll have to prepare myself to answer well and not emotionally. The other day, I responded to someone's comment about a topic by talking about some triggered memory that probably seemed random to them at the time and cause them to think about me "What is WITH this guy?"

Tonight, when she asked us why we want to adopt a foster child, I said, "Because I think it's a great thing to do for someone." A few cricket chirps later, I tried to fill out that answer with some reason that didn't come out coherently, abandoned it, and restated, "It just seems like it's something great we can do for someone else," and deflected the question over to Emily with a panicked look on my face.

After thinking about it some more, I still can't come up with a better reason or answer, but it's not very exciting, is it?

the teacher finished 15 minutes ago. the girl at bottom right just has nothing else to do

Sorry if you came by earlier and the interwebs warned you my opining might be bad for your computer. Not sure what that was about, but I borrowed a picture off of Google Images and it got all jumpity on me.