Three years is not very long but a lot happens. Separation and divorce, dating, graduation, moving, unemployment (a few times), moving (a few more times), remarriage (!!!!), a new baby, and a whole lotta being broke, worried, scared, and lots of dead ends.
Every now and then I think about writing on here again but just never felt the need or desire. This is a test post and comes from thoughts I had during church services today. Perhaps a private journal is the better way to go and where I've been keeping some thoughts and goings on, but here you go.
I read scriptures every morning (well, every weekday morning) as part of my routine. The Book of Mormon, New Testament, Doctrine and Covenants, etc. A little while ago I started up the Old Testament. To supplement it, during my breaks when I'm not playing piano for the primary-aged kids during church on Sundays, I read a college-course study manual for the O.T. I'm in Numbers (which really doesn't have a whole lotta numbers in it).
The Israelites had escaped Egypt after the plagues, the crossing of the Red Sea, the burning and shaking of Mt. Sinai, eating miraculous Manna and quail, seeing the glory of God cover the tabernacle and lead the camp as a pillar of fire and cloud, and more. Yet, when commanded to go into Canaan and conquer the wicked nations (who'd had chances to repent and turn to God and rejected him still), the people get scared. So God condemns them to 40 years wandering so a braver, newer generation can move into the land of Canaan, and the Isreaelites say, "Oh wait, we want a second chance, we'll go in and fight them after all." But God says "No" and they say, "We're gonna try anyway" and get stomped. A few miraculously failed attempts at mutiny later (earth opening and swallowing rebels, fire from heaven, etc) and the Israelites are finally ready to eat humble pie.
A thought question in the study manual was, "How does this difficulty maintaining faith in God translate to your life?"
It translates way too easily.
I'd condemned myself to a long life of single-tude after the divorce. Not intending on dating, I still made friends, and made some great ones. She was brave and took several HUGE chances on me. Now we're married and have our own new family.
I was certain that my personal difficulties were gonna prevent me from graduating on time. There were a couple weeks of school I didn't even show up or showed up several hours late. It was the best I could do, I was crushed. I passed all the major exams, met all the requirements, and with the help of great friends, got out on time. Wow.
I did struggle getting long-term stable jobs. And yet, every financial deadline was met, handled, or squeezed through with unexpected gifts, employment, opportunities, or simple little unforseeable miracles that would occur just in the nic of time. And though we're not living the high-life, we're comfortable, and safe, and happy, most of the time. (It's a good thing there are LOTS of free cool-things to do around here, like hikes, and mountains, and hot springs, and half-price days at the local pool, and great friends and family members around.)
I had family that stood by me and supported and encouraged me the whole way.
And yet, when something doesn't go the way I want it to, I still throw internal fits and temper tantrums wondering why aren't things easier?? I pray for hours, why aren't my burdens lighter??
Cuz life is life and it's meant to help us grow. My 6-month-old daughter will spend a good 10 minutes struggling across the room to get at the power cords in the corner, only to have me take her away from them and set her right back where she started. She throws a fit and I think, "OK, God. I get it." Or when she pulls herself up on the side of her bassinet, looking over her room, pleased-as-can-be, and in response we lower the level of sleeping down to crib status for her safety, and I think, "Ok, I get it."
A year ago at Christmas time we were buying dollar-store toys for my kids, asking church leaders for financial help (only to somehow not actually need it when the time arrived), getting anonymous gifts of money and food from neighbors, huge debts looming on the horizon, not knowing just about anybody around except a few extended family members, and wondering what was going to become of us.
Now we have at least some sort of budget for Christmas time, lots of friends, full-time employment, making payments on those debts, and relative peace. We even had the chance to go see a fantastic movie yesterday that was smart, funny, uplifting and encouraging, and very entertaining (yes, it's Frozen, you should go see it), in a movie theater! No mooching off of borrowed Netflix accounts, or bootlegged Youtube videos, or dollar rentals after the rest of the world has stopped talking about the movie. It was a matinee, but still! A real movie in a real movie theater! And we have cell phones that we're paying for! High life! Easy Street! Rolling in the big bucks! No not really, but we're way better off than we were a year ago, at least emotionally.
Hopefully there won't be anymore large set backs for us to overcome for a while, but if there are, we'll take 'em. We're still quite a ways down the hole, but we're climbing. And we attribute all of our hope and progress to God the Father and Jesus Christ.
Merry Christmas!
